If a man tells someone else about being violent or controlling towards his partner, he has taken an important step towards change.

If someone you know has confessed his use of violence, you might be feeling shocked, confused, angry or many other different emotions. What you do and how you respond in the coming weeks and months can make a big difference.

We encourage you to read the information in the Men's and Women's sections of our website. This will give you some insights into what the man might be thinking about and what options he has. It will also help you to understand what his partner or ex-partner might be feeling.

What to do 

There are many things you can do to help the man to change his behaviour. It's important that you do these in ways that ultimately make it safer for his partner or ex-partner. You can:

• treat the man's confession with utmost seriousness
• name the behaviour for what it is: abuse
• tell him that any form of control or violence against women is unacceptable
• tell him that his behaviour has to stop
• encourage him to think about the harm his actions are causing
• talk to him about Men's Referral Service, and encourage him to call us
• encourage him to ask Men's Referral Service for contact details for a men’s behaviour change group (you might want to note that very few men change without professional help — this is more than you can provide)
• call Men's Referral Service yourself for support and advice about how best to respond.

What not to do

Don't say it doesn't matter

if you've already done any of these things, it's never too late to go back to him and say you've thought it over, and realised this wasn't the right response.

Don't assume the abuse is minor or trivial

It's likely that it's much worse than you — and he — think it is. Providers of men’s behaviour change groups usually find that men hugely understate the ways that they have been violent and controlling, even when they genuinely recognise they have a problem and want to change.

Don't accept his excuses or allow him to blame others

See No ifs, no buts — responding to men's excuses.

Don't try to make him feel better about his behaviour

Comments like 'It's not that bad' are very unhelpful. If the man seems to be feeling upset or remorseful, don't try to make him feel better. You can talk about things that you appreciate about him without letting him off the hook for what he's done. Let him know that he matters to you, but that his behaviour also matters.

Don't focus on trying to understand why he is abusive

The important thing is to focus on how the man will change his behaviour. The reasons that men choose to use violence and control are complex, and working through them is secondary to stopping the behaviour.

Don't think that telling him to stop will be enough

Experience and research in many different cultures, settings and countries has shown that men rarely stop using violence and control just because somebody tells them to. They need to want to change AND they need professional help to do so.

The support of friends is important, but it cannot substitute for help from a trained professional.