No ifs, no buts - responding to men's excuses
Most men get into relationships because they care for their partner. They usually don't set out to hurt her. If a man has used violence or control in the past, it might hard for him to face up to how his actions have affected others. Even if he can admit to doing something violent or controlling, you might find that he still blames something or someone else, or pretends what he did wasn't so bad.
Below are some of the common ways that men try to deny, trivialise or excuse their behaviour. It's good to know about them so you can respond constructively.
Remember: men always have a choice about their behaviour. With support, they can learn to make different choices and in doing so, make things better for themselves and the people they love.
- Blaming their partner
- Blaming someone or something else
- Blaming alcohol or drugs
- Blaming the pressure cooker or the switch that gets flipped
Blaming their partner
Men who use violence or control can sometimes be heard to say things like:
- 'She makes me angry'
- 'She knows how to upset me, and she does it on purpose.'
- 'She knows what I'm like.'
- 'She never believes me.'
- 'She nags me.'
- 'She never listens to me.'
- 'She’s abusive to me.'
- 'I was trying to get away but she wouldn't let me leave.'
- 'She gets hysterical.'
- 'She’s a bad mother.'
Sometimes they think these kind of things because they just haven't looked at the situation from their partner's point of view. Other times, it might seem easier for them to think this than to really look at their own role. Either way, they are focusing on building a case for their behaviour, rather than asking what they could have done differently.
It’s easy to spot if a man is trying to shift responsibility to his partner:
- he wants to talk about her behaviour rather than about what he did
- he might say things like, 'If only she would do / not do something, I wouldn't be abusive'
- he might say that she needs to change in order for him to stop his violence.
One of the first steps to ending abuse is for men to take full responsibility for their behaviour.
^ TOP ^Blaming someone or something else
Men blame all kinds of people and things for their behaviour. The man you're talking to might try to blame:
- stress
- work problems
- money worries
- children
- things that happened to you when you were a kid
But none of these things cause men to be violent. Plenty of people experience these things without using violence or being controlling. In all likelihood, the man you're thinking about has done so himself at other times in his life.
^ TOP ^Blaming alcohol or drugs
Many people use drugs and alcohol and never become violent or abusive.
Alcohol and drugs don’t cause abuse, but they can make it worse. Studies have shown that when people are drunk or under the influence of other drugs, their violence might become more severe or frequent. If a man is under the influence, it can be more difficult for him to stop himself or limit his behaviour. This means he might harm someone more than he intended.
If men become more abusive when they drink, and they still drink, then they're making a choice to be abusive. They are still responsible for their behaviour even if they are drunk or high. Being out of it is not an excuse.
A man who finds that alcohol makes him more abusive has two choices to make: one to stop drinking and another one to stop being violent and controlling. An abusive man who abuses alcohol does not have a problem; he has two problems.
^ TOP ^Blaming the pressure cooker or the switch that gets flipped
Men who are struggling to understand their violence are sometimes tempted to believe that something just came over them or that they just switched. They might say things like:
- 'I lost control.'
- 'I just flipped.'
- 'I saw red.'
They might tell you that such pressure had built up inside them that it was too late to make any other choice than to be violent. They might then say something like:
- 'I just exploded.'
- 'I just blew.'
But think about it. Most of the time men's violence isn’t random, but specifically directed towards their partner. They don’t 'explode' randomly at passers-by when they feel bad. They don't 'see red’ and hit just anyone who happens to be near.
If a man believes that he's overwhelmed by something that causes him to be violent, it's harder to stop. Blaming the 'pressure cooker effect' is one of the ways that men try to avoid acknowledging their responsibility. In reality they could make different choices.
Men make decisions about lots of things when they're being violent:
- the kind of violence they use
- where to hit her
- how hard to hit, how long for and when to stop.
They also choose who can witness their behaviour, for example, they turn it off when someone outside the family comes around.
Even if the man you're thinking about is not using physical violence, he's still making all kinds of decisions:
- the forms of control he uses (why emotional blackmail not an outright threat?)
- what he allow his partner autonomy in, and what he chooses to control
- who is allowed to know about how he's controlling her.
These decisions aren't always conscious and thought-through. But they're his decisions nevertheless.
^ TOP ^