Things that (we think) stop us from helping

All over Australia, people giving evidence in courts and at inquests can be heard to say 'If only I'd done something'. If we are to limit the deaths, injuries and other harms associated with male family violence, we all need to get better at speaking up and acting on our concerns.

We need to be more supportive of women and children who are experiencing abuse. We need to be more thoughtful about how our broader attitudes and values contribute to a situation in which women are so much less powerful than men. We need to stop trivialising men's violent and controlling behaviours.

But doing these things is not necessarily easy. Perhaps the first step is talking about the many things that might appear to stop us helping.

Doubt about whether it's right to get involved

Many people worry that they will be interfering if they get involved. Often male family violence is seen as a private matter.

But if someone is being abused and you choose to say nothing, you will probably still feel stressed and worried about the situation. Even worse, you might find you regret your inaction later.

If you feel nervous or a bit embarrassed about asking a man about his behaviour, just imagine what his partner must be feeling if she really is experiencing abuse. Surely discomfort on your part is a small price to pay for the chance that you might be able to make a very big difference to someone else's life?

By talking with a man about his behaviour, you are saying that:

  • abuse is not a private matter
  • abuse is never okay
  • you are willing to be involved.
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Concern for our own safety

Often our concern for our own safety makes us think twice about offering help. This is a valid concern.

You should never intervene directly in a violent or potentially violent situation. ALWAYS call the police on 000. They have the training, resources and legal standing to manage the situation.

If you have a reasonable fear of retaliation from a man, you should tell the police.

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Fear of making things worse for the woman and children

It's good to be mindful of not making things worse. It's true that all situations of male family violence need to be handled carefully. But it's also true that the violence and harm will not go away if we ignore it. If anything, it's likely to get worse.

Helping is not interfering! If you follow the tips on this website, and approach the situation carefully and thoughtfully, it's unlikely you will make things worse by expressing concern.

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Worry about whether we’d be drawn into a major helping role

Involvement doesn’t mean having to solve the situation. It’s helping a man to find support to change his behaviour.

If you are helping someone, you might want to think about what and how much support you can offer. It's better to be open and honest about this in the beginning, rather than get burned out and pull away later on.

Your support can make a huge difference, especially if you take care of yourself as well.

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