It's never pleasant to consider the possibility that someone close to you might be using violent and controlling behaviour. We all want to believe the best of our friends and loved ones, but with at least one in five women experiencing violence from an intimate partner at some point in their lives, the reality is that male family violence is likely to touch your life too.

If the man you suspect of using violence is someone you know well, or feel close to, it's worth reflecting on these questions:

• Do I think I might be able to have a positive influence on him? 
• Do I feel I could raise the issue with him? 
• Would he talk to me? 
• What might be the implications for his partner if I talk to him about his behaviour?
• What do I need to know before I talk with him? (For example, do I have some answers if he asks me what he should do?) 
• What could I say? 
• Could I talk with his partner first to support her and find out what she would want me to do?

It is vital that you consider how your intervention might impact on the man's partner. For example, he might hurt her more if he thinks she has been talking about his behaviour to someone else.

It is also important that you have prepared yourself to counter the many ways that the man might try to excuse his behaviour or blame his partner. See We all make choices for a brief discussion of this.

The Men's Referral Service can help you talk through these issues and arrive at a course of action that minimises the risk to the woman and to you. We would welcome your call.

If you know the woman well enough to ask her about what's happening, then this is a good first step. If you do speak with her:

• do it privately, when the two of you are alone 
• your first role is to believe and support her 
• you need to be guided by what she wants 
• prepare yourself beforehand by reading the information for women on this site 

You should never try to talk to the couple together. Violence isn't a relationship issue and isn't solved by relationship counselling. Read more on why not to suggest relationship counselling.