It is never right for a man to: 

• hurt someone physically — or even threaten to (unless he reasonably fears for his own physical safety) 
• scare, frighten or intimidate someone
• call someone names 
• shame or humiliate someone 
• damage someone else's property or things that they care about 
• try to control how someone looks, where she goes, who she sees, or what she does 
• keep someone under any kind of surveillance 
• make someone take part in sexual acts when she doesn't want to 
• take control of finances or incur debts in someone else's name without their permission
• do anything else that makes someone feel unsafe, violated or unable to live freely.

All couples disagree and argue from time to time, but all of the actions above are forms of violent and controlling behaviour. If the partner or another male family member of someone you know has used any of these behaviours against her, she doesn't deserve this.

The effects of men’s violence on women

Obviously, men's violence often has a physical dimension, and can result in serious injury or death. But research has shown that any violent and controlling behaviour — not just physical violence — puts women at risk of a range of physical and mental health problems. As well, it might make her feel powerless, worthless or bad about herself.

Read more on the effects on women. 

The effects of men’s violence on children

Children are always affected by a male family member's violent and controlling behaviour. Even if they never witness violence directly, they pick up on their mother's feelings and what's happening. Research has shown that children of all ages can develop physical and mental health problems when their mum experiences violence and abuse. As well, they are likely to have their own behavioural problems, including difficulties at school or with their peers.

Read more on the effects on children.

Signs of abuse

Women who are already feeling vulnerable and unsafe because of abuse often find it very difficult to tell others about what they are going through. One of the most sinister aspects of abuse is that women often end up thinking they have caused it; quite often, they feel ashamed.

Being alert to signs of abuse might mean that you can take responsibility for raising the issue, rather than her having to. The list below gives you some tips on what to look for. But remember: if none of them apply, that doesn't mean that the woman is safe or that there is no abuse. Always trust your instincts. It's better to ask than to regret not doing anything later on.

A woman who is being abused might: 

• seem afraid of her partner or always very anxious to please him
• seem to be 'walking on eggshells' around her partner
• see less of her friends or family or cut phone conversations short when her partner is in the room
• say her partner pressures or forces her to do sexual things, or that she does certain things to please him, even though she doesn't like it
• talk about her partner's 'jealousy', 'bad temper' or 'possessiveness'
• seem anxious or depressed
• seem to have lost her confidence, or be unusually quiet
• have physical injuries, such as bruises, broken bones, sprains or cuts (and might give unlikely explanations for physical injuries)
• seem reluctant to leave her children with her partner.

Her children might seem afraid of her partner, have behaviour problems, or appear very withdrawn or anxious.

A partner who is using violent and controlling behaviours might:

• criticise or humiliate her in front of other people
• order her about or make all the decisions (for example, by controlling all the money, telling her who she can see and what she can do)
• seem to be monitoring or controlling her movements by calling her, following her, interrupting her time with friends, or insisting on accompanying her everywhere (this might happen during or after she has left the relationship).

It's never her fault

Regardless of what a woman says or does, she is never responsible for a man's abuse. He is.

Using violent and controlling behaviour towards a female family member is a choice. Men who are violent towards a family member usually don't act in quite the same way towards other people.

The man in question, or even his female partner/family member, might already have offered you excuses for his behaviour. Common excuses are a man's upbringing, or alcohol, or stress. He might blame his partner, and/or she might blame herself.

Whatever a man's excuse, we all need to remember that there are other men with similar upbringings, or who are abusing alcohol or feeling stressed, who aren't violent or controlling. Men who are genuinely respectful of the women in their lives don't blame or punish them if something — big or small — goes wrong.