What not to do

When talking to someone who is being abused, some things may not help, or may stop her from wanting to confide in you fully. Here are some of the things women have found unhelpful.

Don't focus on why the man is being violent

People are often tempted to try to analyse the man who is using violent and controlling behaviour — to speculate about why he is being abusive. This is a side issue and HIS responsibility.

A woman who is being abused needs you to focus your support and empathy on her. This is important for her immediate safety, as well as her emotional wellbeing and mental health.

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Don't blame her for the abuse

If you find yourself thinking that maybe she did something, or perhaps that she 'should have just backed down', think again. Women are never to blame for the abuse they experience. Men always have a choice about their behaviour. To read more see We all make choices.

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Don't suggest relationship counselling

Men's use of violent and controlling behaviour is about their choices. Choosing to be non-violent and then really making it happen requires very specialised support.

Relationship counselling is based on both parties having a reasonably equal distribution of power. If a woman's partner is abusing her, she probably won't be able to make fully free decisions or act on her own needs.

If the relationship is in trouble, this is likely to be because of the male partner's actions. There might be other reasons for conflict (all couples disagree!), but these are secondary. Until the woman feels safe enough to talk about her own needs, feelings and perspectives, relationship counselling isn't going to work for either party.

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Don't judge her choices

Everyone is different. There are many different ways that women react to being abused and there are many reasons why women choose to stay with someone who has abused them.

Many women still love their partner, even if he is abusive. It's not helpful to say things like 'how can you still be in love with him?' or 'why do you put up with it?'. Comments like this just reinforce women's lack of confidence in their own thinking and feeling.

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Don't criticise her partner

It's best to criticise the abusive behaviour, not the person. For example, rather than saying 'He's a bully', you could say 'I don't think it's right that he always talks over you'.

Direct criticism of a woman's partner is only likely to make her want to defend him.

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Don't tell her what to do

This will only reduce a woman's confidence to make her own decisions. Listen to her and give her information, not advice. Ask questions about what she might need from you.

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Don't pressure her to leave

Each woman knows her own situation best. She needs to make choices that are right for her and her children. These might not be the same choices you think you would make.

Focus on listening and supporting a woman to make her own decisions.

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