What you can do

If a woman has chosen to talk to you, it is probably because she trusts you. You can honour this trust by taking her needs and her safety seriously.

Below are the basic steps you can take to help a woman who might be experiencing domestic or family violence or abuse.

Find out how you can help

Visiting the different parts of our website is a great start.

The next thing to do is to familiarise yourself with services that can help her. Often women who are being abused lack the confidence or safe opportunities to search for a service. You can make it easier by giving her a pamphlet or some phone numbers to call. (Make sure that she puts any information that you give her somewhere very safe or doesn't take them home at all).

To find out about services that could help her, click here and scroll down to Know how to refer appropriately.

You might also want to find out about legal options - click here for a good summary.

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Raise the issue yourself

It can be very difficult for women to talk about what they are experiencing. Raising your concerns can make it a little easier.

If you decide you want to ask a woman about her situation:

  • make sure she is alone and that it is safe for her to speak 
  • approach the topic sensitively, perhaps by saying 'I'm worried about you because I've noticed that ...' 
  • focus on what you've observed that is making you worried
  • respect her choices about whether or not she wants to talk now 
  • let her know that you will be there for her if she wants to talk at some time in the future.

Even if the woman says everything is fine, she is very likely to appreciate your concern. If she is being abused, but isn't ready to talk about it, you have opened a door for her to do so later.

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Ask questions sensitively ... don't interrogate

Most women appreciate the chance to tell their story. Your questions can help a woman to feel like someone cares. They also help her to reflect on what's happening.

The purpose of asking questions isn't to collect information so that you can make her decisions for her.

The questions below are just some ideas. It is important that you only say what you believe, and use your own words.

  • How do you think his behaviour has affected you?
  • How do you think his behaviour is affecting the children?
  • What options do you think you have? (If she's unaware of some options, you could ask 'Have you thought about ...?') 
  • What do you think might happen if you left?
  • What do you think might happen if you stayed?
  • What can I do to help you?
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Listen to her

It takes a lot for women to talk about what they are experiencing. They are much more likely to cover up or downplay the abuse, than they are to make it up or exaggerate. Often, in the process of telling, women start to realise the range and severity of their partner's use of violence and control.

You might find it hard to hear what someone you know and care about has been through. But for many women, being listened to is an important step towards safety and recovering from abuse.

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Believe her

You might also find it hard to believe what a man you know has done — especially if you like and/or respect him. One of the elements of most violent and controlling behaviour is that men use it selectively. You have probably only seen one side of the man. His partner will know that side, but she will have seen other sides as well.

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Take the abuse seriously

You need to treat all abuse seriously. You can't always know whether or not a woman's life is in danger, or how her experiences might impact on her. Sometimes violence escalates unpredictably, or changes in nature. All forms of violent and controlling behaviour have serious effects on women's and children's health and wellbeing.

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Respect her choices

Abuse robs women of choice and freedom. By respecting a woman's choices about how she will respond to abuse, you affirm her capacity to make decisions and take action for herself.

Everyone is different, and so you might not agree with all the decisions a woman makes. In these situations, keep your opinions to yourself.

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Stay in touch

Isolation is one of the most difficult things for women who are being abused. Having an opportunity to talk regularly to a supportive friend or relative can be very important.

You might find you need to be persistent about making contact. Remember that the woman might not be rebuffing your efforts of her own free will. She might also be finding everything — including social contact — just too hard.

Keep offering support and contact.

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Offer practical support

Women need to be able to make choices without worrying about everyday pressures. Practical support, like minding the children for a while, cooking a meal, offering a safe place to stay, providing transport or accompanying her to court can be very helpful. It also says 'I'm here for you; what happens to you matters to me'.

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Help her to rebuild her confidence

Abuse takes its toll on women's self-confidence. By responding in ways that are affirming and positive, you can help a woman to feel better about herself. You could: 

  • acknowledge all her efforts to keep going despite the abuse
  • acknowledge her efforts to keep herself and her children safe (women who are being abused go to great lengths to try to protect themselves and their children)
  • tell her you think she has been brave to talk about the abuse.
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Help her to understand that the abuse is not her fault

Another important part of helping a woman to rebuild her confidence is to be clear that she is not responsible for the violence. No-one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do. Let her know you think that the way her partner is treating her is wrong. For example, you could say 'No-one, not even your husband, has the right to mistreat you'.

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Help her to protect herself

Women who are experiencing abuse do a lot to protect themselves. Nevertheless, there might be things that a woman hasn't thought of, or things that might have seemed impossible without support. Talk with her about what she's currently doing, and what else she could do. Stress that this doesn't mean she's responsible, just that it's sensible to have plans for if her partner doesn't change.

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Talk with her friends

Talking with mutual friends about your concern is not gossip. It's a genuine act of care.

If you have mutual friends, you could talk with them about how you might approach the woman who is being abused. At the very least, you might be able to help them learn how to respond to family violence.

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Get support from the Men's Referral Service

The Men's Referral Service can help you to work out how best to help the woman who is being abused. We strongly encourage you to contact us, so that you can work out an approach that feels right for you and her.

We can also help you to find the support you need. Helping someone who is experiencing abuse is never easy and often challenging. It's important that you take care of yourself so that you can continue in your supportive role. 

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