Women have a range of options if their partner or male family member is being violent and controlling. Help is available for them to learn about:

• their legal options (including Intervention Orders) 
• different housing options in case they decide to leave 
• making plans for if their safety is under threat 
• money matters.

Women can also get help to deal with the emotional and mental health issues that arise when they have experienced violent and controlling behaviour from their partner or male family member.

It is important to remember that many women make a conscious or unconscious choice to stay. If they do so, they need your support and respect.

Reasons why women stay

Many women decide, for a whole range of reasons, that staying with their partner is the best choice for them at the moment. If a woman chooses this, it doesn't mean she's giving up or resigning herself to the violence. Women who choose to stay need continuing support — even if this takes years.

Friends, family or colleagues of women who choose to stay with their partner often find this very difficult, confusing and frustrating. There are many reasons why a woman might stay. For example:

• She might be afraid of what the abuser will do if she leaves. The person who is abusive may have threatened to harm her, her relatives, or the children, pets or property. They may threaten to commit suicide if she talks about leaving. Many victims find that the abuse continues or gets worse after they leave.
• She still loves her partner.
• She has a commitment to the relationship or a belief that marriage is forever, for 'better or worse'.
• She hopes her partner will change. For example, she might think that if the abuser stops drinking, the abuse will stop. Sometimes the abusive person might promise to change.
• She thinks the abuse is her fault.
• She feels she should stay 'for the sake of the children', and that it is best that children live with both parents. Her partner may have threatened to take or harm the children.
• She doesn't have much confidence. The person who is abusive might — deliberately or inadvertently — have broken down her confidence, and made her feel like she is stupid, hopeless, and responsible for the abuse. She might feel powerless and unable to make decisions.
• She might feel she has no support. The person who is abusive may have tried to cut her off from contact with family or friends. She might be afraid of coping on her own. If English is not her first language she might feel particularly isolated.
• Pressure to stay from family, her community or church. She might fear rejection from her community or family if she leaves.
• She may feel that she can't get away from her partner because they live in a rural area, or because they have the same friends, or are part of the same networks or cultural community.
• She doesn't have the means to survive if the relationship ends. She might not have anywhere to live, or access to money, or transport, particularly if she lives in an isolated area. She may be dependent upon her partner's income. If she has a disability, she may depend upon the person using violence and abuse for assistance.