Excuses that society offers

There are also many commonly held misconceptions about male family violence that deflect men's responsibility for their use of violent and controlling behaviours. These misconceptions are a sign of attitudes about men and women in general. They influence the way those who experience male family violence see themselves, and the responses of social institutions and services, including police, doctors, counsellors, the law and the media.

Generally, these misconceptions have the effect of silencing and marginalising people who experience it, and reinforcing male power and privilege. Furthermore, they:

  • disregard the criminal nature of many acts
  • provide the man who uses violence with an invitation to excuse himself and to pursue a search for causes, triggers, precipitating events and circumstances without a context of self-awareness and self-scrutiny
  • individualise the 'problem' by ignoring the social, cultural and historical contexts in which violence towards women and children has been both openly and secretly excused
  • fail to focus on the man stopping his violence
  • tend to involve the women and children in responsibility for the violence and often require them to change in order to avoid violence.

Below are some common misconceptions about men who are violent towards their partners, about women who experience male family violence and about patterns of male family violence in different cultures and contexts.

Men who use violence are mentally ill

There is no evidence that men who are violent have higher rates of psychiatric disorders than other men. Given that male family violence affects a significant proportion of the population, it cannot be explained in terms of 'abnormal' personality characteristics of perpetrators. Men who use violence usually look and act like 'ordinary' men.

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It's a relationship issue

Male family violence is often understood or presented as a relationship issue or a dynamic between two people. For example, 'We had a fight' or 'It was a violent relationship'. Men are responsible for their own use of violence. Casting male family violence in a relationship context has the effect of ascribing some measure of blame to those who experience it.

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Some women are predisposed to it

Some people believe that some women allow themselves to be abused, or have psychological problems that lead them to choose partners who use violence. However, there is no evidence that it is a particular 'type' of woman who is likely to experience male family violence.

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It mainly happens in working class families

Research suggests that male family violence occurs in all socio-economic groups and cultures. It might be more visible in working class families, because they are more likely to come to the attention of public authorities. Middle class women are just as likely to have violent partners, but compared to working class women, they generally have more resources to allow them to leave the situation.

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It is more common in non-English speaking and Indigenous cultures

This belief may reflect the negative stereotypes held by some people about 'other' cultures. It is difficult to know the prevalence of male family violence in any community. It may be more difficult for women of non-English speaking backgrounds and Aboriginal women to leave violent partners, as they often face additional obstacles. These can include a lack of social and economic resources, language barriers, racism and inappropriate responses from police and other services.

Certainly, Indigenous communities acknowledge that male family violence is a huge issue for them, but we cannot really know whether male family violence is more common for them. Non-Indigenous communities must also recognise that Indigenous family violence is a legacy of the history and impacts of white settlement and the structural violence of race relations since then.

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It is a private matter

Violence that occurs in the home is often seen as a private matter to be sorted out by the parties involved. Male family violence is often referred to as 'a domestic incident' or 'a bit of a domestic', as if it is less serious than violence which occurs in public places. Violence in the home is equally as serious and damaging as all other forms of violence. Many acts of violent and controlling behaviours are crimes.

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If it was really bad, she'd leave

Many women decide, for a whole range of reasons, that staying with their partner is the best choice for them at the moment. If a woman chooses this, it doesn't mean she's giving up or resigning herself to the violence. Women who choose to stay need continuing support — even if this takes years.

Friends, family or colleagues of women who choose to stay with their partner often find this very difficult, confusing and frustrating. There are many reasons why a woman might stay. For example: 

  • She might be afraid of what the abuser will do if she leaves. The person who is abusive may have threatened to harm her, her relatives, or the children, pets or property. They may threaten to commit suicide if she talks about leaving. Many victims find that the abuse continues or gets worse after they leave. 
  • She still loves her partner. 
  • She has a commitment to the relationship or a belief that marriage is forever, for 'better or worse'. 
  • She hopes her partner will change. For example, she might think that if the abuser stops drinking, the abuse will stop. Sometimes the abusive person might promise to change. 
  • She thinks the abuse is her fault. 
  • She feels she should stay 'for the sake of the children', and that it is best that children live with both parents. Her partner may have threatened to take or harm the children. 
  • She doesn't have much confidence. The person who is abusive might — deliberately or inadvertently — have broken down her confidence, and made her feel like she is stupid, hopeless, and responsible for the abuse. She might feel powerless and unable to make decisions.
  • She might feel she has no support. The person who is abusive may have tried to cut her off from contact with family or friends. She might be afraid of coping on her own. If English is not her first language she might feel particularly isolated. 
  • Pressure to stay from family, her community or church. She might fear rejection from her community or family if she leaves. 
  • She may feel that she can't get away from her partner because they live in a rural area, or because they have the same friends, or are part of the same networks or cultural community. 
  • She doesn't have the means to survive if the relationship ends. She might not have anywhere to live, or access to money, or transport, particularly if she lives in an isolated area. She may be dependent upon her partner's income. If she has a disability, she may depend upon the abuser for assistance.
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