Forms of male family violence

There are many different ways that men can be violent and/or controlling. Those who experience violent and controlling behaviours might talk about them as interchangeable, inseparable, or indistinguishable, depending on their individual experiences and frameworks.

As Barbara Hart has argued, male family violence 'is the sum of all past acts of violence, and the promise of future violence, that achieves enhanced power and control' for the male user of violence.*

The following categories are generally used amongst male family violence professionals. However, they should not be regarded as definitive.

Emotional violence and controlling behaviour

Emotional violence and controlling behaviour is behaviour that does not accord equal importance and respect to another person's feelings, opinions and experiences. It is often the most difficult to pinpoint or identify.

It includes:

  • refusing to listen to or denying another's person's feelings
  • telling them what they do or do not feel
  • ridiculing or shaming them 
  • making them responsible for one's own feelings 
  • blaming or punishing them for how one feels
  • manipulating them by appealing to their feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness.

It also includes emotional control, such as telling someone directly or indirectly that if she expresses a different point of view then she will cause trouble, and implying or telling her that avoiding trouble is more important than how she feels.

Emotional violence can be verbal, for example, verbal putdowns and ridiculing any aspect of a woman or child's being, such as her body, beliefs, occupation, cultural background, skills, friends or family. It can also be non-verbal, for example, withdrawal, refusal to communicate, and rude or dismissive gestures.

Emotional violence and controlling behaviour is embedded in all other forms of violent and controlling behaviours.

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Physical violence and controlling behaviour

This involves actual or threatened attacks on another's physical safety and integrity. Physical violence ranges from hitting, kicking, pushing, choking/strangling, punching and assault with weapons, through to murder. It can involve harming or threatening to harm children, relatives, pets or possessions. It includes smashing property, throwing things and physical intimidation such as threatening gestures. It also includes the criminal act of stalking.

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Sexual violence and controlling behaviour

Sexual violence and controlling behaviour is any actual or threatened sexual contact without consent. It includes unwanted touching, rape, exposure of genitals and making someone view pornography against their will. It also includes a man expecting a woman to have sex as a form of 'reconciliation' after he has just abused her, because in these circumstances she is unable to withhold consent for fear of further violence. Some forms of sexual violence are criminal acts, for example, sexual assault and rape.

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Social violence or controlling behaviour

This includes all behaviour that limits, controls or interferes with a woman's social activities or relationships with others, such as controlling her movements and denying or limiting her access to her family and friends. It also includes excessive questioning, aggression towards men who are viewed as 'competition', and acts attributed to feelings of jealousy.

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Financial violence and controlling behaviour

This includes not giving a woman access to her share of the family's resources. It includes expecting her to manage the household on an impossibly low amount of money and/or criticising and blaming her when she is unable to. It also includes incurring debts in her name and consistently criticising her over her financial or spending choices.

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Spiritual violence or controlling behaviour

This includes all behaviour that denigrates a woman's religious or spiritual beliefs, or prevents her from attending religious gatherings or practising her faith. It also includes harming or threatening to harm women or children in religious or occult rituals, or forcing them to participate in religious activities against their will.

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Other controlling behaviour

Some men use other behaviour to control women that does not fit the above descriptions or that may not in itself appear to be violent, but that still denies a woman's right to autonomy and equality. This is especially so when the behaviour is used frequently or in combination with violence. Examples of such behaviour include telling her what to do and not allowing her to carry out her own wishes (for example, always 'losing' the car keys or being late to look after the children when she wants to do something he disapproves of).

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* Ptacek, J. (1999). Battered Women In The Courtroom: The Power Of Judicial Responses. Boston, MA: Northeastern University Press.