Men who can already acknowledge their use of violent and controlling behaviours — however tentatively — have taken the first very important step towards changing them.

There are many things you can do to maximise the chances that the man will go on to take action towards changing his behaviour. It's important that you do these in ways that ultimately make it safer for his partner or ex-partner. You can:

• treat the man's confession with utmost seriousness 
• name the behaviour for what it is: abuse 
• tell him that any form of control or violence against women is unacceptable 
• tell him that his behaviour has to stop 
• encourage him to think about the harm his actions are causing 
• talk to him about Men's Referral Service, and encourage him to call us 
• encourage him to ask Men's Referral Service for contact details for a men’s behaviour change group (you might want to note that very few men change without professional help)
• state that your role is to refer him to professional help to change his behaviour — this is different to what you can provide 
• call Men's Referral Service yourself for support and advice about how best to respond.

Know your limitations 

Are you a trained counsellor, social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist? Perhaps you've had years of experience helping people work through difficult circumstances.

In the case of male family violence, it's important to know your limitations. Unless you have specific training in working with male users of violence, it's very unlikely that you will be able to help a man to change his behaviour. In fact, there's a chance that you will inadvertently make things worse.

Facilitators and other staff of Men's Behaviour Change Programs have significant, specialised training to work in this field. Moreover, they have detailed policies and procedures (based on the Minimum Standards of their professional body) to ensure that their work is conducted safely and ethically.

We urge you to refer appropriately IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES when working with male users of violence.