What not to do

Below are some things to avoid when talking with a man about his use of violence.

If you've already done any of the things below, it's never too late to go back to him and say you've thought it over, and that you realise that what you said to him then wasn't the right response.

Don't say it doesn't matter, or assume the abuse is minor or trivial

It's likely that it's much worse than you — and he — think it is. Providers of men’s behaviour change groups usually find that men hugely understate the ways that they have been violent and controlling, even when they genuinely recognise they have a problem and want to change.

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Don't accept his excuses or allow him to blame others

See No ifs, no buts — responding to men's excuses

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Don't try to make him feel better about his behaviour

Comments like 'It's not that bad' are very unhelpful. If the man seems to be feeling upset or remorseful, don't try to make him feel better. You can talk about things that you appreciate about him without letting him off the hook for what he's done. Let him know that he matters to you, but that his behaviour also matters.

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Don't focus on trying to understand why he is abusive

The important thing is to focus on how the man will change his behaviour. The reasons that men choose to use violence and control are complex, and working through them is secondary to stopping the behaviour.

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Don't suggest relationship counselling

Men's use of violent and controlling behaviour is about their choices. Choosing to be non-violent and then really making it happen requires very specialised support.

Relationship counselling is based on both parties having a reasonably equal distribution of power. If a woman's partner is abusing her, she probably won't be able to make fully free decisions or act on her own needs.

If the relationship is in trouble, this is likely to be because of the male partner's actions. There might be other reasons for conflict (all couples disagree!), but these are secondary. Until the woman feels safe enough to talk about her own needs, feelings and perspectives, relationship counselling isn't going to work for either party.

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Don't think that telling him to stop will be enough

Experience and research in many different cultures, settings and countries has shown that men rarely stop using violence and control just because somebody tells them to. They need to want to change AND they need suitably qualified and experienced professional help to do so.

Your support is important, but it cannot substitute for help from a properly trained professional.

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