Every woman has a right to live freely, without fear, and to make her own choices and decisions. If you are visiting this site, it's most likely because you are thinking about how you are being treated by your partner or another male family member.

If you are viewing this website from a computer that your partner or someone else that you know has access to, it is very important that you learn how to use the internet safely. To find out how, including how to remove your internet tracks, click here. 

To find out about family violence services that you can contact for further information and support, see Exploring your options at the bottom of this page. 

Violent and controlling behaviours

It is never right for a man to:

• hurt you physically — or even threaten to 
• scare, frighten or intimidate you 
• call you names 
• shame or humiliate you 
• damage your property or things that you care about 
• try to control how you look, where you go, who you see, or what you do 
• keep you under any kind of surveillance 
• make you take part in sexual acts when you don't want to 
• take control of finances or incur debts in your name without your permission 
• do anything else that makes you feel unsafe, violated or unable to live freely.

All couples disagree and argue from time to time, but all of the actions above are forms of violent and controlling behaviour. If your partner or another male family member has used any of these behaviours against you, or if you know he has used them towards a partner in the past, you don't deserve this.

It's never your fault

Chances are, you've made huge efforts to keep yourself and your children safe. You've probably been very brave on occasions, and you've probably stood up for yourself in lots of ways — big or small.

But regardless of what you say or do, you are never responsible for his abuse. He is.

Using violent and controlling behaviour towards a female family member is a choice. Men who are violent towards a family member usually don't act the same way towards other people.

Your male family member might already have offered you excuses for his behaviour. Perhaps he blames his upbringing, or alcohol, or stress. Maybe he blames you, something you've done, or something he thinks you've done.

This is common. Men often blame someone or something else for their behaviour. It's part of not taking responsibility for their actions.

Whatever his excuse, we all need to remember that there are other men with similar upbringings, or who are abusing alcohol or feeling stressed, who aren't violent or controlling. Men who are genuinely respectful of the women in their lives don't blame or punish them if something — big or small — goes wrong.

Your safety and wellbeing

Violent behaviour can be physically dangerous. As well, your male family member's violent and controlling behaviour puts you at risk of a range of other physical, emotional and mental health problems. It might also be making you feel powerless, worthless or bad about yourself.

We strongly encourage you to visit one of the websites linked from this page. They will give you information about making plans for your safety.

It's important to remember that violence and harm rarely stops by itself. If anything, it's likely to get worse. Men need to want to change, and they need support from a trained professional to make it happen.

Your children's safety and wellbeing

Children are always affected by a male family member's violent and controlling behaviour. Even if they never witness violence directly, they pick up on feelings and what's happening. Research has shown that children of all ages can develop physical and mental health problems when somebody uses violence and abuse towards their mum. As well, they are likely to have their own behavioural problems, including difficulties at school or with their peers.

Exploring your options

The best way to explore your options is to talk with a family violence worker. She can give you emotional support, and provide information about:

• your legal options (including Intervention Orders)
• different housing options in case you decide to leave
• making plans if the man threatens your safety in any way
• money matters.

Women sometimes decide, for a whole range of reasons, that staying with their partner is the best choice for them at the moment. Choosing this doesn't mean giving up or resigning yourself to the violence.

A family violence worker can help you to make a plan for looking after yourself and your children if you decide to stay. She can also help you if you choose a different course of action in the future.

To find out how to contact the nearest family violence worker to you, call:

WIRE (Women's Information and Referral Exchange) on 1300 134 130 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm) or the Women’s Domestic Violence Crisis Service (24 hours) on (03) 9322 3555 or STD toll free 1800 015 188 (both these services are for Victoria)

or visit www.dvvic.org.au or www.dvirc.org.au/ServicesHub/ServicesIndex.htm for a listing of other Victorian services.

www.dvirc.org.au/ServicesHub/ServicesIndex.htm also has a listing of interstate services.