How are you feeling right now?
Men experience all sorts of feelings when they are exploring issues around their behaviour and their relationships.
Some common feelings for men who visit our website are fear, defensiveness, helplessness and guilt or shame. Sometimes men feel like they're at crisis point. You can read more about what men in these situations often feel by clicking on the feelings listed below.
Thoughts and emotions like these can feel overwhelming. That's one of the reasons why the Men's Referral Service exists — to support you to work through them in positive ways.
Fear
Many men fear:
- losing their relationship with a woman they love
- losing contact with their kids, or not being able to see them as much
- hurting someone they love — physically or emotionally
- jeopardising their future life choices (including relationships and careers) by their actions.
These are all consequences of using violence and controlling behaviour and so it's understandable to feel anxious and worried. But how you manage your fear, where you let it take you, is important. Whether you feel motivated or paralysed by your fear might depend on the support you get to change, and your hopes for the future.
It might help to remember that your partner (and kids if you have them) might be living in fear from day to day. Overcoming your own fears about looking at your behaviour is the first step towards them losing their fear.
Even if it's too late to save your relationship with this partner, taking steps to change your behaviour might still help you to keep in touch with your kids if you have them. It might also help you to have a lasting and positive relationship with someone else in the future.
Defensiveness
In our society, we often feel that when someone criticises something we do, they're criticising us personally. It's not unusual for men who call our service to feel defensive — towards their partner, towards somebody else, even towards us!
Being violent or controlling towards your partner doesn't make you a bad person. But some of the things that you've been doing have probably hurt people and harmed your relationship. There are steps you can take that might start to make a difference, so that you can make a better life for yourself and the people you love.
Helplessness
Some men feel helpless about their situation, especially if their partner (and kids) have already left, or if they have been subjected to legal action. They might feel that their world is turning upside down, and don’t know where to go to for help. This isn't helped by the fact that our society makes it hard for men to admit that things aren’t going well and that they can’t solve their problems by themselves.
Facing up to the consequences of using violence and controlling behaviour can be daunting. Getting some help and support is vital, so that you don't have to feel like you're doing it alone. There are lots of services and resources out there to help you.
Guilt or shame
Many men find that they feel a lot of guilt and shame when they start to face up to what they've done to their partner and children. It can be upsetting to realise the fear or hurt you have caused somebody to feel.
Healthy guilt
Guilt and shame are healthy responses to having used violence and controlling behaviour, but only if they do not get in the way of taking responsibility and working towards change. Healthy guilt is not about flowers and chocolates after yelling at your partner. It's about being honest about what you've done and the impact that it's had on people you love.
It's important to talk about these feelings with someone who will listen, but who won't try to let you off the hook. The Men's Referral Service is a good place to begin the process of talking about feelings of guilt and shame, and how you’d like things to be different.
Talking to your partner
It's rarely helpful to talk about guilt or shame with your (ex) partner in the early stages, especially if you have previously tended to apologise and promise change after being violent or controlling. If you do want to apologise to your partner:
- be very specific about what you did and why YOU think it was wrong
- make sure you don't lay the blame on her or anyone else
- accept that she might not be willing to accept your apology, AND/OR that she might say it's okay because she's scared of what might happen if she doesn't.
Men often promise to change after being violent or controlling. Without help, most don't keep that promise.
^ TOP ^At crisis point
Men often call us when their partner has left, or talked about leaving, because of how she's been treated. Other times, a magistrate or police officer has strongly suggested they get help.
When things are in crisis, it can often feel like the world is turning upside down. It's common to feel panicky and helpless. Men's Referral Service telephone counsellors will not tell you that everything will be okay. What's going on for you is probably much too complex. We can help you to talk through what's happening and to think about a way forward, so that the crisis can also give you an opportunity for change.
