Do you have children? How do you want them to think about you when they're older?

Most men want a warm and loving relationship with their children. They want their children to feel safe, secure and loved. They'd like to give their children a happy childhood.

But many men find that their behaviour towards their family members gets in the way of who they'd like to be as a father.

Is that how it is for you? For example, have you:

• yelled and screamed at your family members?
• made your kids or partner feel stupid?
• slapped, hit, pushed or shoved your partner or kids — or threatened to?
• thrown or broken things?
• made your partner and/or kids feel scared 

What you do matters

Children don't just forget about behaviour like this. It's a sad fact that the effects of what you do are likely to be serious and long lasting.

Research has found that:

• all abusive actions (such as those listed above) have some effect on children – not just physical abuse
• children don't need to see or hear abuse to be affected by it. 

Kids tend to see themselves as the centre of the universe. This means they often feel their dad's behaviour is their fault. They can also think it's their responsibility to look after their mum.

Even though they love you, there's a good chance your kids hate what you do. After a while, they might just start to feel that they hate you. And if this happens, your long-term relationship with your kids is at risk.

Things can be different

Children are powerless to change what is happening around them. They have little choice but to live with it until an adult decides to make a change. Often, change happens when their mum decides to leave. Sometimes things change because their dad reaches out for help.

Are you worried about losing your kids' trust and love ? With support, you can choose to treat those you care about better in the future.

The Men's Referral Service helps men to think about how they would like to relate to their partner and kids. We can give you information about ways to start making things better for everyone.