Making things better

Phoning the Men's Referral Service is a great first step towards making things better for yourself and your family.

One phone call will generally not be enough, however, to turn things around. Many men who phone the Men's Referral Service come to realise that their behaviour has been affecting their lives, and those around them, for quite a while. Making things better requires a commitment beyond a single phone call.

During your call with the Men's Referral Service, the telephone counsellor can refer you to what's called a men's behaviour change group.

Men’s behaviour change groups are for men who have been violent and controlling towards a current or previous partner and now want to change. They are for men who don't want to use violence when they feel anger and other difficult emotions.

Participants talk, share strategies to change their behaviour, and challenge and support each other to be better men, partners, and fathers. They also report getting valuable help from the group facilitators, who introduce new perspectives and skills in changing their behaviour.

Participating in a group is a big step. Many men feel nervous when they arrive for their first group session. They might be worried that they'll have to talk about their life story in front of others, or that they'll be judged as 'bad men'. Once they realise that these fears are not true, many start to relax and appreciate the opportunity to know that they are not alone.

"I didn't know what I was getting into, but over the past ten weeks I have learnt more about life in so many ways, such as my angry feelings, the ways around violence and anger, how to express myself in a way not to harm the people around me and, most of all, to believe in myself. The time I have spent in the group has been the most valuable time I have ever spent." (Barry)

Click on the questions below for more information.

Who runs men’s behaviour change groups?

Men’s behaviour change groups are usually held in settings such as community health centres. They are conducted by two group leaders — one man and one woman.

^ TOP ^

How do I find out about a group near me?

Call the Men’s Referral Service on 1800 065 973 (free call within Victoria) or (03) 9428 2899. We have a database of the men’s behaviour change groups in Victoria that we know have safe and ethical practices.

If you are not from Victoria, you can still phone us - on (03) 9428 2899. We can help you find out about men's behaviour change groups in your state.

^ TOP ^

Why should I attend?

Attending a men’s behaviour change group is an important step towards stopping your use of violent and controlling behaviour. Participating in a group gives you: 

  • opportunities to talk about your past and current actions 
  • new strategies to handle strong feelings such as anger
  • information about the effects of your behaviour on your partner and children (this is a powerful motivator for change) 
  • support to change how you act towards your partner or ex-partner (if you still have contact with her) or future partners.
^ TOP ^

What are the groups like?

Some groups are always open to newcomers. Others are run program-style, and you might need to wait for the next group to start. Usually, there are 8–12 participants in a group.

Men who participate in a men’s behaviour change group are often very diverse. But they have at least one thing in common: they have all used violent and controlling behaviour towards a family member.

Newcomers to a group usually find their fellow group members welcoming and non-judgemental. They often appreciate having support from others who are willing to face up to the hurt they have caused and take steps towards change. They also find it helpful to know that they are not alone.

^ TOP ^

What happens?

In men’s behaviour change groups, most of the time is spent talking — usually on a set topic or theme. Group facilitators and participants share responsibility for encouraging everyone to reflect on their attitudes, beliefs and the effects of their actions. Most group sessions also include an information segment and an opportunity to talk about your experiences of the week.

There are several things that you can do to start to make things safer for your partner. Participants in men’s behaviour change groups learn, practise and discuss these so that they can use them at home.

^ TOP ^

But I don't use physical violence!

You don't need to have used physical violence to benefit from a men’s behaviour change group.

Many men who participate in groups have never hit or otherwise physically hurt their partner. But through their actions and words, they have made their partner and children scared or feel bad about themselves. This is just as wrong as physically hurting someone. 

“I had a great job, great social life and a great family life… or so I thought. Recently, right out of the blue my wife, She told me that if I didn’t stop treating her badly that she’d leave.

I hadn’t really been that honest with myself. I tried to convince myself it was all in her mind and that this would all blow over. But then I could see how withdrawn she was and how it had started to effect my son.

The best thing I could do was to be more aware of how I was treating her. I may not be hitting her but I know that I have been trying to control her and I want to stop.” ADRIAN [40 years]

^ TOP ^

What about just having individual counselling?

Individual counselling is not a substitute for going to a men’s behaviour change group. Being involved in a group means that you get to talk about your behaviour, thoughts and feelings with ordinary men who are just like you — at least in some ways. As well, it gives you a chance to hear and learn from other men's experiences. This can be a great source of inspiration and encouragement. It can also help to keep you on the behaviour change path.

You would, however, have at least one individual session prior to starting the group. Some programs can also offer further individual sessions in addition to the group.

Sometimes men benefit from individual counselling to work through other issues not related to their use of violence. This can be useful, especially if you are dealing with depression or other mental health issues, or have a problem with drugs or alcohol.

If you do decide to see a counsellor, try to see someone who has links with your men’s behaviour change program provider. It's important that different professionals work together to make sure you get consistent encouragement and support to take responsibility for your actions.

^ TOP ^

How about anger management groups?

Men’s behaviour change groups are for men who are using violent and controlling behaviour towards their partner or other family members. Some men might have a problem with expressing angry feelings. Others might be tackling different feelings, such as fear or anxiety or frustration.

Most people experience anger, but this doesn't mean they use violence or control. We all make choices every day about how we will express our feelings.

Stopping the use of violent and controlling actions is about a lot more than managing anger. Many men who use violent and controlling behaviour can control their anger. Some, for example, report that if they are shouting abuse at their partner and someone knocks on the door, they are able to immediately stop their abuse. Despite feeling a lot of anger, they choose to stop their abusive behaviour so as to not feel embarrassed in front of whoever is at the door. But once the person leaves, they say that their abusive behaviour often resumes. They're feeling angry all the way along, but choose to not be abusive to their partner in front of the stranger or friend who has knocked on the door.

Right now, you might not be thinking that you make choices about how to behave when you feel angry. It might seem that you feel angry and then "lose it". It might all seem to happen so quickly. Yet often there is a "winding up" period where your thoughts and assumptions influence the choices you make.

Men's behaviour change groups help men to understand what is happening when they feel anger and other intense emotions. By better understanding what they are thinking and experiencing, these groups help men to make better choices about how to act and what to say when feeling angry.

We don't recommend anger management groups for addressing family violence, as anger isn't the central issue. What's important is how men act when they feel angry, and how well they can see and feel things from their partner's point of view. Men's behaviour change groups help men to choose ways of behaving that build safety, understanding, trust and respect.

^ TOP ^

What do other men say about men’s behaviour change groups?

"When I first started this course I was a little reserved and held back, but as the weeks progressed I learnt to relax and was able to interact with the others more freely. It has changed my life in many ways and I have found my true self and my own self-esteem." (Russell)

"The course has made me aware that I can change and that I am responsible for my self and behaviour. I feel that I am in touch with myself and my feelings and it is my choice how I act and relate to my partner. I could have stayed as I was and destroyed everything I hold dear. I chose to seek help. I'm glad I did and stuck to it. I've given my wife, my son and myself a chance to be happy and I am at peace instead of out of control." (Royce)

"A place where it is finally OK to talk honestly about personal issues and feelings. Mateship without football and drinking being a necessity." (Garry)

"I feel it's a great course and it's great that men can get together and talk over issues affecting men. I liked being able to speak freely about my feelings with guys. Men are having to face a lot of change these days and courses like these help you understand what's going on in the world and inside your head." (Gerry)

"It does wonders for self-awareness and makes you realise that it's OK to spill your guts. You don't have to wait till you blow up. There's a lot of guys around alone with their feelings." (Paul)

"The course has been very helpful. I have learnt a lot about myself and the way other people feel about things. I would say it has been the best $100 I have ever spent. It has also shown me that I am not the only person with men's problems and there are other people who can help you overcome them and also build a relationship of trust with the other guys in the group." (Peter)

^ TOP ^