No ifs, no buts
Most men get into relationships because they care for their partner. They usually don't set out to hurt her.
If you've used violence or control in the past, it might hard to face up to how your actions have affected others. You might find yourself minimising things, or pretending what you did wasn't so bad.
Denying, trivialising or excusing your actions means you can't take responsibility for them. And if you can't take responsibility, it's pretty much impossible to change.
It does take strength and courage to honestly admit to using violence or control, but it's worth it. Taking responsibility is a hard but vital step for change.
Below are some of the common ways that men try to deny, trivialise or excuse their behaviour. Do any of them ring a bell for you?
If they do, perhaps consider that men always have a choice about their behaviour. With support, they can stop their use of violence, even when they feel anger and other difficult emotions. By doing so, they can make things better for themselves and the people they love.
- Blaming your partner
- Blaming someone or something else
- Blaming alcohol or drugs
- Blaming the pressure cooker or the switch that gets flipped
Blaming your partner
Men who use violence or control can sometimes be heard to say things like:
- 'She makes me angry'
- 'She knows how to upset me, and she does it on purpose.'
- 'She knows what I'm like.'
- 'She never believes me.'
- 'She nags me.'
- 'She never listens to me.'
- 'She’s abusive to me.'
- 'I was trying to get away but she wouldn't let me leave.'
- 'She gets hysterical.'
- 'She’s a bad mother.'
Sometimes they think these things because they just haven't looked at the situation from their partner's point of view. Other times, it might seem easier for them to think these things than to really look at their own role. Either way, they are focusing on building an excuse for their behaviour, rather than asking what they could have done differently.
It’s easy to spot if you are trying to shift responsibility to your partner:
- you might want to talk about her behaviour rather than about what you did
- you might think, 'If only she would do / not do something, I wouldn't be abusive'
- you might feel that she needs to change in order for you to stop your violence.
One of the first steps to ending abuse is to take full responsibility for your behaviour. If you can start to recognise that what you do and how you behave is up to you, you've started moving forward.
If you notice yourself blaming your partner, try this:
- focus on your behaviour
- think about what your partner might be feeling, and what she might be experiencing
- think about what her perspective on the situation might be
- remind yourself that you are in control of what you do.
Blaming someone or something else
Men blame all kinds of people and things for their behaviour. You might try to blame:
- stress
- work problems
- money worries
- children
- things that happened to you when you were a kid
But none of these things cause men to be violent. Plenty of people experience these things without using violence or being controlling. In all likelihood, you've done so yourself at times in your life.
Things like stress or work problems don’t cause violence or abuse, but if you and your partner argue about them, they might feel very linked to your abuse. With help, you can learn to manage difficult feelings and issues without resorting to violence.
If you have other problems that you think contribute to how you are treating your partner — like stress, depression or bad health — you may have to deal with them separately. However, by dealing with those problems it doesn’t mean that you have dealt with your abuse.
^ TOP ^Blaming alcohol or drugs
Alcohol and drugs don’t cause abuse, but they can make it worse. Many people use drugs and alcohol and never become violent or abusive. If you find that when you drink you become more abusive and you still drink, then you’re making a choice to be abusive. You are still responsible for your behaviour even if you are drunk or high. Being out of it is not an excuse.
Studies have also shown that when people are drunk or under the influence of other drugs, their violence might become more severe or frequent. If you are under the influence, it can be more difficult to stop yourself or limit your behaviour. This means you might harm someone more than you intended.
Most people can choose how much and where to use drugs or alcohol. If you must use, try cutting down gradually and drink or use away from your family. This may mean staying at a mate's place after the pub or waiting to sober up before going home.
If you find that alcohol makes you more abusive then you have two choices to make: one to stop drinking and another one to stop being violent and controlling. An abusive man who abuses alcohol does not have a problem; he has two problems.
^ TOP ^I used to blame the drink but sometimes I would have a drink with the boys before I came home and smashed things up and sometimes I would be stone cold sober. It didn’t really matter, the only difference was I tended to do more damage when I was drunk, but the effects on Steph and the kids were always the same — it terrified them. Rick [24 years]
Blaming the pressure cooker or the switch that gets flipped
Men who are struggling to understand their violence are sometimes tempted to believe that something just came over them or that they just switched. Have you ever said to yourself:
- 'I lost control.'
- 'I just flipped.'
- 'I saw red.'
Often you might tell yourself (and others) that such pressure had built up inside you that it was too late to make any other choice than to be violent. You might then say something like:
- 'I just exploded.'
- 'I just blew.'
But think about it. Most of the time your violence isn’t random, but specifically directed towards your partner. You don’t 'explode' randomly at passers-by when you feel bad. You don't 'see red’ and hit just anyone who happens to be near.
If you believe that you’re overwhelmed by something that cause you to be violent, it's harder to stop. Blaming the 'pressure cooker effect' is one of the ways of avoiding understanding what your violence is about. In reality you could make different choices.
If you’re honest with yourself you can probably see that you make decisions about lots of things when you're being violent:
- the kind of violence you use
- where to hit her
- how hard to hit, how long for and when to stop.
You're probably also choosing who can witness your behaviour, for example, by turning it off when someone outside the family comes around.
Even if you're not using physical violence, you're still making all kinds of decisions. For example:
- when you choose to be nice to her (because you've behaved badly and you know she can't take much more) and when you choose to be critical
- what friends you allow her to see
- when you'll listen to her and when you won't.
These decisions aren't always conscious and thought through. But they're your decisions nevertheless.
^ TOP ^